The journey of a lifetime

Gets a bit obscure in the end...read at ur own risk :)

>>>

We often look toward big things...icons, spiritual leaders, public figures...to learn lessons of life. But sometimes even an insignificant, inanimate object can teach you a lot. Its poignant silence can convey much more than would ever be possible by speech. This is exactly what happened while I was on my way to Kapurthala recently.

I was a bit restless on this journey, engrossed in thoughts that were making me uneasy. It was a situation where the more I thought the more wretched I felt. And the more wretched I felt, the more compelled, I found myself, to think about it. I was really suffocated inside the compartment. A sinking, gloomy, desperate feeling surrounded me; and it was getting unbearable now, so I came out to the door and stood there, taking the rush of air on my face. The loud roar of gushing air did not allow me to think, and the fast jerks on the door, where I had to constantly tiptoe to keep my balance, shook me out, each time I was about to lapse back into memories. There, I stood ; absolutely thoughtless like a zombie, still... atleast relieved of my anguish.

But soon, even these disturbances were to fade into the background. By the side, there was another railway line; two rails running along...and my mind wavered again.

Two rails...so near, but yet so far. Running side by side, neither coming close, nor going away. Was that the only fate of these rails?

To get an answer, I looked back... and what do I see! far back the two rails appeared so close! Like two nice friends, playfully moving along in their lives...two good friends who are a part of each others lives...two great friends, looking forward to be together in their future lives.
Encouraged, I looked ahead...and again! near the horizon, the two rails seemed to be merging together! Two Partners together, hand in hand, enjoying their shared past...partners never to be parted in life. Wow! what a beautiful view...

But I knew...I knew that both these were mere illusions. I knew that neither were the rails closer in the past, nor are they going to come close in the future. God himself has tied them down on opposite ends. This seperation was going to remain...It was going to be the same fate...till eternity.

The gloomy feeling gripped me again. But... why then were the rails still moving on? Why did they still appear full of life, full of zeal? Was there something more to it than was visible to me? Probably yes... From my vantage position, I had come to see some illusions of the past, present and future, and they did not match with reality which made me feel dejected. But the rails couldn't see these. Infact... they did not really want to see them. They wanted to meet the future only when it became the present, and they wanted to accept the present, whatever it was, as a gift of God....
...I was looking at the future. They were looking forward to it :)

I could hear some murmers. Faint voices of one rail as it tried to say something to the other...

"Dear, indeed God has tied us down, but that also is a blessing in disguise. God has ensured that we do not get lost in this vast world. I dont know what future has in store for us. We may never meet, not even come close, but one thing I know, we are going to be side by side throughout; this divine link, the spiritual connection, shall be there forever. There is nothing to worry, nothing to be upset about; God has taken special care of us till now, and he will continue to do so...till eternity. Let us just keep moving ahead, basking in this sunshine that God has bestowed upon us."

...Yes! There was much more than just a fate that had to be accepted. There was a life to be lived. And the rails were showing me how to do it...

Look ahead! towards the horizon again. There is no illusion now. It is the purest truth; There is no destination to be reached, just a journey to be made. This is the journey of a lifetime, and the rails are going to run it...happily... side by side... till both of them, quitely, inconspicously, merge with the heavens above.

>>>

cogito ergo sum :)

Mr. Totaram

One thing that I have very clearly understood, having seen the functioning of government oraganizations for the past one and a half years or so, is that, it is not as bad as it is thought to be. Work does get done, complaints are taken seriously, and decisions are not totally adhoc, certainly not more than the adhocism prevailant in much of the private sector. And most importantly, the staff here is equally efficient, equally capable and, most of the times, equally willing to work.

But, it is certainly not ideal...nor can it ever be. Ofcourse the lures of power make some efficient men purposely act inefficiently. But more than that, the peculiarities of government functioning are such that sometimes even the most well meaning of individuals find themselves in a quandry. And one such man is Mr Totaram.

Mr Totaram (name not changed to protect the flavour of story :) I shall protect the identity of this person by being vague about his whereabouts) is a clerk in one of the zillions of offices of Indian Railways. He had humble beginnings, started off as a Group D employee, but with consistent efforts was able to get promoted to Group C, though it came pretty late... when he had only a few more years of service left. One expects men like him to sit back on their chair and do only the bare minimum of work, but Totaram was certainly not of that type. You would never hear him saying no to any work assigned to him. Nor would you find efforts lacking on his part. But the irony was that, he had never done clerical work before, and he found it extremely difficult to pick up the new skills required, at this late stage. And particularly if the job involved working on a computer...Totaram was certainly not the man for it.

This is where we, a group of four probationary officers, come into picture. We were supposed to undergo a short training in the department where Totaram worked. So, there we were, in the chamber of our reporting officer, to take further instructions and detailed schedule of training. Unfortunately, formalities are an integral part of government functioning, which means that if we have come for training, a detailed letter has to be issued to us, duly signed, and appropriately filed for future reference. And fortunately, for such situations standard letters are kept ready, wherein only some minor changes need to be made. In this case too, some other groups had already done the same training and the letter was there on computer. Just a few minutes of work really. But very unfortunately, our reporting officer's steno had gone on leave, and so Mr. Totaram was called up for the job.

Now onwards I will give you a chronological order of events.

(most of the conversation here is a rough english translation of what actually transpired)

0 minutes:

Madam (our reporting officer): "Totaram, there is a letter in computer for training of probationers, that was prepared last time by the name 'probationer'. Search for it, change the names of participants, put today's date and take 4 printouts"...and then as an afterthought, "show it to me before you take a printout".

Water was served, and madam started off by asking us for our introductions. That we doled out like a parrot (dont look out for pun here), because when you have been doing the same thing week after week for the past 3 months, even the gestures of hand and movements of head get standardised...

5 minutes:

Totaram: "Madam, I cant find any such file here."

Madam: "But it should be there...did you check the my documents folder"

Totaram: "madam I checked on the screen, there is no file by that name" :)

So, now totaram was instructed to open the my documents folder and search it there, and madam returned back to us, this time giving us an intro about herself...

10 minutes:

Madam: "Did you get it totaram"

Totaram: "yes madam"

Madam: (a bit flustered) "Then please open it and make the changes"

and she continued with her story, how she was recently transferred here, how she found things in total disarray in this office, and how she was fed up with her staff...

20 minutes:

Madam: "Totaram. is it over"

Totaram: "It will take a few more minutes madam. "

You should have seen how totaram worked on MS Word. Such a rythmic, almost musical, typing; letter by letter, that reminded me of "alas manthar gati" in Mahadevi Varma's gaura. And the feverish pace with which he scrolled up and down using the mouse, each time failing to stop at the right portion of the text. And yes, his dedication to principles...never copy, even if that meant typing in the same name four times :)

Anyway, sticking to our storyline; Madam called for coffee to be served and told us about her son who has settled abroad. She also told about her plan to go there herself after retirement, as "India mein ab kutch nahin rakha hai"...

30 minutes:

Madam: "Totaram..."

Totaram: "Yes madam, It is over. Shall I take a print"

Madam: (visible sigh of relief) "ok. just let me have a look before u take a printout".

She asked one of us to check if the letter is alright. It was found that instead of four names, eight names were present there, as the names of older participants had not been deleted. The designation was put incorrectly and the date had not been changed. Accordingly instructions were given to Totaram.

Now that it was apparent that the job was going to take some more time, madam decided to give us an introduction to the department also...

45 minutes:

Totaram: (proudly)"Madam, I have made the corrections"

Madam: "Good"

Again, a check. The number of names was correct, but unfortunately, two of the older names still existed on the list while two of ours were out. The date had been changed at the top of letter but the dates in training schedule were still the same. One of us, who had gone to check, thought of finishing off the job on his own... but in the end restrained himself, and again gave appropriate instructions to Totaram.

Meanwhile, the introduction to department continued, which now became even more elaborate. Soon, I started getting a feel that no further training would be required, if this continues for some more time...

1 hour:

Madam: "Totaram ji, how much more time are you going to take"

Totaram: "almost done Madam"

All possible introductions and the last few drops of coffee, both were finished by now, and it was amply clear that we had no good reason to stay in her office, except one... the letter...

1 hour 10 minutes

The draft ws ready, some slight corrections like spelling mistakes notwithstanding. These errors were promptly corrected by one of us, and totaram, asked to take printouts.

Madam: (relief writ large on her face) "Phew...you can see how difficult it is to get work done here. Anyway, you take this letter and meet Mr. ....." the instruction continued for a few minutes. But the printout did not come, so she stretched it a bit more. And still the letters did not come, so she made us look at a few case files, and when even that could not make the letters materialize, she made us sit in silence...there was nothing else humanely possible to do now.

1 hour 20 minutes

Madam: "Totaram, whats the matter with you? half an hour and you still couldn't take the printout."

Totaram: "Madam, I am trying, I am clicking on the print button, still it is not printing"

Madam: "Printer mein cartridge hai"

Totaram: "Madam, do din pehle hi change ki gayi hai"

Madam: "Phir Kyun nahin ho raha?"

Totaram: "Madam, kal bhi problem ho rahi thi. print nahin le paye the"

Madam: "(to us, totally crestfallen)Lo ab lagta hai ye printer bhi kharaab ho gaya. (turning to totaram) Then dont just sit here, go get a floppy or a pen drive, take the file to somebody else's office and for God's sake get the printouts"

1 hour 25 minutes

Totaram returned with a floppy in his hand. He took the floppy to computer and stood...perplexed. He did not know how to transfer file to a floppy. Still, he was committed to his work and wanted to call one of his colleagues who could do the job. But we could not afford to waste any more time like this. So, one of us lent a helping hand in transferring the file, and just as the process was about to complete, he noticed a wire dangling...

The printer's cord was unplugged!

1 hour 30 minutes:

The letter was put in file, to be preserved for posterity...and Totaram... stashed in our memory, never ever to be forgotten :)

Heading towards...

Notice: I would like to state that I have high regard for women and whatever has been written here is just a light hearted take, more on myself than on anybody else.
:)

Coming out of train travel to an issue that is pestering me a lot these days...

My head has always been an avid follower of women's fashion. Long back, there was the trend of long flowing frocks, made graceful by the innumerable pleats, or else given a casual look by subtle crumples. These beautiful frocks used to lag behind just a bit as the lady walked, waiting to be chugged forward, whence the border lifted, ever so slightly with the step of the lady, only to fall back with panache on the fall of her step...just like a newlywed bride who, a bit shy, on being tugged so gently, so lovingly by the groom, smilingly lets herself fall into his embrace.
...Anyway, lets stick to the point. I was telling you that my head has been an avid follower...infact it has always tried to imitate ladies fashion. So, long back, it too had long flowing tresses with a wonderful whorl (so my barber used to say), sometimes combed neatly with lots of oil and at other times let loose for a real casual look. The long dense hairs, I could feel them lifting up, ever so slightly at each step, only to fall back softly, giving a smug kind of feeling. Ah! those days!

But slowly, things began to change. The dresses started becoming shorter, thinner, skimpier. They started showing a little bit of skin here, a little bit of skin there...and my head followed, with eyes closed. Gone the great whorl, gone the thick tutelage that had the smoothness of resham and, at the same time, the softness of malmal. What remained was just a rag...a chaotic collection of tatters sewn up by a seamstress in foul mood.

Still... Atleast the rags used to cover up properly. Now, even that luxury is gone. The dress is getting increasingly semi-transparent, and at all the wrong places. The cuts in hairline are getting deeper by the day, and the hairfall, almost as frequent as wardrobe malfunctions...

Its all so embarrassing. And yet...I and my head know that times have changed, and we have no option but to adjust accordingly...We must and we indeed have, somehow, come to accept the present state of affairs.

But there is something that really, really worries me, something even more embarrassing, even more sinister, even more horryifying...it is the future :)

Taking for Granted

This time, enroute from Bombay to Delhi, I shared the compartment with an officer of Indian navy. He was about the same age as mine, and within an hour or so, we were happily chatting along, discussing all the irrelevant issues of this world. This man was going to his home town to attend to some family matters. He had recently married and his wife was presently in baroda, at her parents place. And because baroda fell on the route of this train, she had plans to come to the station to meet him. All that was well, but unfortunately the train got delayed a bit, which meant it would have reached baroda only by 11 in the night. So he thought of confirming his wife's plan.

And there arose the problem. For some inexplicable reason, he was not able to make or recieve calls on his mobile. He tried all permutations and combinations, tried calling the service centre, tried sending sms...everything... but none worked. I offered him my phone, but he said it was not that important.

...Important it was, and u could see that from his face. This erstwhile chatty fellow had fallen into silence, grazing into the curtain on the window and fidgeting with his handset, compulsively pressing buttons as if that would correct the situation. It was not more than a few minutes before he said, "aaaa...may I use ur phone. I think I better call her up". He dialled, but with no response...a second time, and again the same result. "This number is not known to her so she is not picking up", he said...and tried again. No luck, the phone returned to me, and he returned to silence. A few more minutes, and he asked, "aaaa... can I send an sms from your mobile". He tried, but was not accustomed to my handset, and what with all the tension in his mind, had a hell of a time typing the message. So, "aaaa... can you please type it for me" :)

Friends, I know its not appropriate to divulge the contents of an sms sent by a husband to his wife, but since this one was indeed in public domain from the very moment of its inception, and more importantly, because the contents are important for my story, I am going to commit this impropriety. The sms ran thus

"this is {name}. my phone not working. my coach {dont remember}, if u could make it. pls contact customer care from ur mobile for resuming service"

He looked at the draft, and then said, "please make it...for resuming my service. you can never be sure with women". :) hmmmmm...the obsession of armed forces with chauvinism :) .

Anyway, finally, the message was sent. And a little while later, his wife called up too. You can easily imagine the relief this person would have felt, having talked to her. He was back to his chatty self, back to worrying about other important things like the morale of the forces... everything was back to normal now

...or was it really? For some reason, he looked not pacified but rather more worked up now. I got this feeling that he wanted to say something. And like so many times before, it was just a few minutes before he said it...

" you are not married na, so you wouldn't know...before marriage this girl used to come to station even at 2'O clock in the night, that too alone, just to meet me. And now, just because the train is delayed by 2 hours, she says it will be too late, and she wud not be able to come. damn! they change totally after marriage".

Now casual sarcastic remarks, like the earlier one on the language of sms, are ok, even enjoyable at times, but having let this statement float in the air would have been injustice to that lady. I didn't know her, but I had to take her side now...and so I also chipped in, more light heartedly though, "Well probably what you say is true, but I am sure that you too would have changed in a similar fashion after marriage".

I had expected some kind of protest, or atleast a hard look from him, but he replied rather casually, "yeah, I also take her for granted now"

...That set me thinking. Is it really a bad thing? isn't it the beauty of this relationship?...you can take the other person for granted. You can have the faith that even if you make no special efforts, you show no extra congeniality, he/she would be there for you in time of need.

... You can rest assured that even if you do not come to the station this time, the next time again he would be just as much anxious, just as much fidgety, just as much in love with you :)

Pitti

It was supposed to be a short journey, from Allahabad to Lucknow...not more than 5 hours by any means. However, exceptional delays are not really exceptions but rather a rule for this particular train, and so after 5 hours of travel, we were still only halfway through the journey. Passengers were naturally restless, shifting postions on their seats, discussing the possible casues of unusually long detention, contemplating what the government could do, and if nothing made sense to them, doling out the panacea,"is desh ka kutch nahin ho sakta".

But the most restless of all was a small kid... and delay was last of his concerns. He was infact thoroughly enjoying his time on the train, a godsend opportunity for him to exhibit his talents to the fullest. First a big jump from his papa's seat to mom's lap, then an accurate dive onto the bag kept by the side and finally a beautiful splash of water from the bottle, again on his dearest mom. And once, was not enough. All this was repeated over and over again, with some minor alterations in the details of menace created, thanks to the ingenuity of this kid.

Not that the mother did not do anything. She was constantly trying to pacify him, with toffees at first, which were followed by unapproving stares and later, when it became a bit too much, with "genteel scoldings"... tools so commonly used by moms to rein in their children. But all this, to no avail. The kid was confident that in public, he had immunity from any severe punishment at the hands of his mother, and after the dust settles and they reach home...c'mon...mom cant be that bad :). The poor lady, one could easily see the exasperation growing on her face, as she grappled with all the mess created, and at the same time, tried to keep the kid from applying his unbounded energy in more creative ways. The situation looked hopeless. But at that moment, just when the mother was probably on the verge of giving up, a policeman entered the coach, full with a rotund belly and big unkempt moustaches.

"One last try", she must have thought.

"Tumne dekha tha na tv pe police uncle kaise pitti kar rahe the. agar ab tumne shaitani ki to main police uncle se bolke tumhari bhi waisi hi pitti karaoongi".

...As the policeman passed by me, I thought I saw a faint smile on his face. Probably it was because he understood the taunt hidden in that sentence. Or probably it was just that meaningless smile that we tend to carry, blissfully unaware of the plight of the world around us. Or he might even have felt proud of the fact that people had such a fear of the police. I cannot be sure about that...but one thing was there for everyone to see. That moment onwards, the child was absolutely quite...That kid, all of 4 years, knew that police uncle could do pitti, do it pretty badly, do it in full public view, and do it without any reason at all.

Now thats what I call image building. :)

50K on Indian Railway

Last year, for no good reason, I ended up travelling more than 25 thousand kilometers on railways. I guess that would have mighty pleased the Railway Gods, for pretty soon, I was blessed with a job in the same organization. And since then...Gods have made me clock over 50 thousand kilometers :)

Blessed? Yes...Certainly. This hopping all over the place has been an experience. And What an experience! So many people, so many places, so many issues, thoughts, feelings...life has revealed its true variety before me. I have memories, lots of them, and now, thanks to the organization again, I have this opportunity to share some of them with you. So join me on this journey through the memory of my journeys.